I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
