my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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