Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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