Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
