I just pynch a tree in the face
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize