actually, I'm a sock model
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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