Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
