he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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