Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
