I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
