Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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