You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
