im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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