Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
