would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
