rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
