his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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