i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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