i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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