Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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