after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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