we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
