I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
