He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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