I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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