wakey wakey hands off snakey
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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