I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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