all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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