yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
