Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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