I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
