i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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