At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
May the power of my ass compel you!!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
