No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am one with the molecules
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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