paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
