Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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