and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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