My girlfriend figured out who you are.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
