Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
