alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
