I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
