not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
