i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
