They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This baby is an asshole
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
