woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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