I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
ttyl tear gas
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
