seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Randomize
