"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
40s are totally the cure
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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