My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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