i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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