did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
