My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
