I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize