At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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