Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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