he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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