tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
