I'm lost and stupid without you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
