I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
