remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
