Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
